"When I write stories I am like someone who is in her own country, walking along streets that she has known since she was a child, between walls and trees that are hers." --Natalia Ginsburg

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Waiting and Trusting.

Jeremiah 29:11

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

So I sit here with a head and heart full of questions---as some of you know 2012 was a year of awakening for me. I questioned choices from my past—I had so many dreams—and did not realize them— because I did not trust that the desires in my heart were from God—I was so scared of making the wrong choice—I just let things slip away. Some days I still struggle to forgive myself of past indecision and I am determined to make stronger choices when I see an opportunity.

When I was given the opportunity to go to Germany/England last fall—I crazily jumped at the chance and got to meet some very special people. It was nice to see a little of Germany and a little more of England—but it was truly about the people. For me, a lifelong dream fulfilled---I’m still smiling.

As the trip unfolded  I spoke to our hosts about how I would love to live and work in the UK for a time. Because my Mother was born in Scotland, I was encouraged to apply for permission based on her ancestry. 

 My first application was lovingly funded by two of my oldest and dearest friends—who believe in me—and want God’s best for me. The first application was denied unfortunately—wrong application. As I stood there looking at the denied application, I felt my plans and dreams falling all around me.

I was diagnosed with very low hemoglobin two days late. It is quite possibly just a severe iron deficiency. I have been given two blood transfusions and a few tests to rule out anything more sinister. I am being monitored closely and was pleased my hemoglobin was up by several points in one week.

My cousin Carol  kindly pointed out that maybe this is why I am being delayed. Not denied by God, not forgotten by God….just delayed. I was encouraged—and sold my van to pay down a few bills—and apply again.

There are two more tests they want to do to be certain before I can have a clean bill of health. Really I am mostly concerned about how these tests, waiting for them and the results, might mess up my plans and dreams. I also found out this morning that the payment and probably my application have been processed. My anxiety increases.

So tonight I sit waiting and I think--is it possible that when I finally have the courage to follow my dream—that I won’t be able to go?

I was distracting myself on the computer an hour ago and up pops a friend to chat and ask, why am I still up at this hour?  I could not tell you the countless times God has brought us to each other’s hearts and minds—compelling  us to call or write each other—just to find out the other person is in need of prayer and encouragement. God did just that for me through this friend—Last week and again tonight. 

I am no closer to knowing what the test results will be—or whether I will be granted by the UK…and God, permission to go and follow my dream---but I know who holds my heart—and who holds the future—whether it is in North America or the UK. I know I am loved and cherished by God—and that is enough to sleep on tonight.

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